Waking up, I see your face; it's the first thing that I saw before I fell into a deep sleep the previous night. You're sitting on the edge of my bed with your dark chocolate hair swept to the side and your emerald green eyes resting softly on my sleepy form. You're sitting on the edge of my bed watching me rub the sleep from eyes, but I know you're not really there.
"Did I ever tell you that you snore?" he comments, shifting slightly. When he moved, the sheets over my body tugged slightly. "I mean, like, freight-train loud snoring. It's insane...your nose does this weird little twitching thing, and then your mouth--"
I hate it when he mentions my mouth.
"You're still here, eh?" I inquire as I sit up, not caring that the thin strap of my shirt fell off of my shoulder.
"Of course," he replies. "Where else would I be?" Not waiting for a reply from me, he comments, "You should eat some breakfast. It's not good for you to skip it."
"I hate you," I murmur.
And I mean it. I really, really do.
He merely smiles his handsome smile and begins to hum our song. "Only Fools Rush In" by Elvis Presley never got on my nerves so much until he hummed it.
An hour later, I am tugging a green sweater over my head and attempting to fix my matted caramel mane. He's standing in the corner of my room, smiling quietly as he watches me brush my hair.
"Why don't you wear the sweater I bought you for Christmas?" he asks me. "The pink one with the white lines on the sleeves..."
"I know what it looks like," I snap, watching his reflection in my mirror. "And I got rid of that sweater three months ago..."
"Oh," he says quietly, a solemn frown crossing his beautiful features.
When he frowns, he looks deformed. He was born to smile and shine.
"Your keys are on the kitchen counter," he mutters as I exit my room with an angry look in my blue-grey eyes. He follows close behind, like a lost puppy or a child.
"Whatever," I murmur, snatching my keys off of the counter.
We walk outside, and I was too late at slamming the door in his face. He was already outside before I even thought of the idea. Walking down the driveway, I sigh quitely to myself as I spy him in the corner of my eyes. He's squinting up at the sun and smiling that stupid boyish grin as he shoves his hands in the pockets of his bluejeans.
"Doesn't that look like my car?" he asks, nodding at a red convertible that drives down the street before it turns a corner and disappears from sight.
"I hated that car," I say. That's not true. I love that car; I only hate it when he is in it.
Thirty minutes later I am driving down the street in my crappy white car. Actually, it's more of a dirty brown because it has not been washed since I got it. He is sitting in the front seat, which I hate, because I hate having to sit next to him. The radio is off, and I can tell it bothers him. He's doing that annoying thing he does when he gets fidgetty; the whole leg shaking thing and tapping his fingers on the armrest. Lord, I wanted to smack him.
"I saw you at the mall the other day," I comment, immediately regretting my words. "You didn't see me, though."
"Really?" he says, interested immediately. "I'm sorry about that, love. You know I think about you all the ti--"
"I'm not sorry," I reply. "I ducked into the maternity store before you had the chance to see me."
"I wish you hadn't have done that," he says as I cross over a railroad track.
"You don't even know the difference," I spit, growing even more irritated with him.
"Why? Because you can't let go?" he comments calmly. Looking over to me, his emerald eyes bore into my grey orbs. I hate the way he looks at me. He looks at me with such love and adoration in his eyes. "Because you imagine me wherever you are because you can't get me out of your head..."
"Then let's change the game," I murmur to no one certainly. "Because I really don't like this one."
"I love you," he says. And I know he means it. He really, really does.
"You're not really there," I say quietly, and rather sadly.
"Then stop imagining that I am..."
I try. I try to imagine him gone. Turning a corner, I glance over to him, doing my very best to convince myself that I am the only one in my car--because, well, I am. No use, though. He's sitting there next to me, watching me with his ocean eyes, with a foolish grin plastered over his handsome face as he sang "Only Fools Rush In" to me.















Comments
Come on, I really like this, even if I would have written something else (less... common) with those pieces...
Picture is great ; colors, composition, etc. Perfect. Keep up the good work
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"this is agony, wanting you the way i do.."
"dipped in chocolate, your personality doesn't seem so bad"
the boring grammar stuff:
1
generally the tense should stay the same too when talking in present like - "snore?" he comments, shifting slightly. When he moved, the sheets" - 'comments' is good, but then change 'moved' to 'moves' type thing to keep the flow going
"the sleep from eyes, but"
"I inquire as I did up, not caring" is this to be like sit up?
"for a reply from me" um in order from saying reply again you could say something like 'not waiting for my answer'
"It's not food for you" lol just in case i missed it, is this a joke or a typo?
"nerves so much into he hummed" until?
2
"An hour later, I am tugging a green sweater over my head and attempting to fix my matted caramel mane." a perfect sentence
"When he frowned, he looked deformed." again the past tense kinda caught me off guard
"idea. walking down" cap
""I hated that car," I say. That's not true. I loved that car; I only hated it when he was in it." so are they talking about some past car that we don't know what happened to it or something important happened a long time ago? -*- gotcha
3
"shaking thin and tapping his fingers" thin or thing? cause it works both ways
"over a railroad track" um hmm, this is kinda odd since i know here we say 'a railroad crossing' is singular, and 'the railroad tracks' is plural, but these both mean the same thing, blah
<reads it over again>
ok wait... wow... i'm going to leave all the things i said regarding tense even though they may not apply after reading the whole thing thoroughly
--
~GustaveDelior
~Snoopycg1284
And I'm glad to know you went through different emotions. Well, I think I am. haha. It means I affected you with what I wrote...so, yeah, I guess I am glad.
--
"this is agony, wanting you the way i do.."
"dipped in chocolate, your personality doesn't seem so bad"
And I'm glad to know you went through different emotions. Well, I think I am. haha. It means I affected you with what I wrote...so, yeah, I guess I am glad. And once again, really, thank you for taking the time to actually do some critiquing and thinking about this. You did a very good job. Thanks.
--
"this is agony, wanting you the way i do.."
"dipped in chocolate, your personality doesn't seem so bad"
--
~GustaveDelior
~Snoopycg1284
""You're not really there," I say quietly, and rather sadly."--she said this sadly because in a way she regrets breaking up with him. And yeah, she can't let go of him and she's not ready, and she hates herself for breaking up with him, but doesn't want to get back together with him...but she can't stop thinking about him and always "seeing him" with her wherever she goes because she does still love him and she knows he still loves her, that's why "he" says "i love you" to her....
yeah...i guess i had a hard time getting it from my brain to here haha
--
"this is agony, wanting you the way i do.."
"dipped in chocolate, your personality doesn't seem so bad"
and i think you have done a wonderful job, i truly look forward to seeing more from you
--
~GustaveDelior
~Snoopycg1284
--
"this is agony, wanting you the way i do.."
"dipped in chocolate, your personality doesn't seem so bad"
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